A look on the last year

First off, it may seem odd that I am looking back on the last year when it is September. But with Molly turning one, I have been thinking a lot about where life has brought me and my family this year. So much has happened. We have had so much joy and sorrow this year. From the birth of Molly to the saying good bye to Peter as he left for deployment. It's hard to put it all together in my head at times. My feelings, my hopes, my prayers... my struggles.

The reason for writing this blog is to share with you what has happened in my life. In my heart. I think most readers will not have a clue that any of this was going on. I have had a burden to tell what God has been doing in my life, but I hesitated in sharing it all. Why? A number of reasons. One being it's personal. It seems silly to bear my soul on a website. But if I knew that other people were struggling with the same things I was, I may have had an easier time.

Pretty much everyone knows my story. I grew up a Christian. What does this mean? When I was 5, I put my faith and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ to save me. I believed that day, (and still do now,) that He is the only way. He IS salvation. I know 5 years old is young, but I have no doubt in my mind that is where it began. I was taught the Word of God. I was in a church that preached the Word. And I had it all down... outwardly. But my heart never got past my conversion. I was coasting.

What do I mean by this? I was talking the talk. I knew what to say. I knew how to act. But my heart was not in communion with the Lord. All of my convictions were other peoples convictions. All of my truths were because someone told me they were true. I never looked for them myself. I wasn't purposely trying to be fake. I knew I was obeying my father. I knew I was a "good kid". But yet, I struggled.

My daily devotions never took off. I went for a few months doing well, then I got bored. Now I know why. I didn't see then that I wasn't just reading the Bible everyday so I could check it off of my to-do list. I should be reading it to hear from God Almighty. He's very alive and waiting to speak to us if we only are willing to hear. I don't believe in living my life with regrets. But looking back, I wish I hadn't wasted so much time on things that were not of God.

Getting to this year. Something clicked. It is no doubt that it was a hard year. Here I am, with a 20 month old and a newborn baby. Needing to say good bye to a husband that is going to the unknown. Talk about needing God!

I started to really get serious. "God, what am I missing? Why isn't it real for me?" For the first time, I shut my mouth long enough to hear Him. And when I did, I was knocked over! (OK, not literally, but close. :)

There is something about having kids that will make you get your priorities straight. Things started to bother me in my heart. The Holy Spirit was able to begin working in my heart because I was allowing Him to. Music, entertainment, dress... all of these things that I never questioned before were bothering me so much that they could not be ignored. (I am going to post on these issues separately. Otherwise you will be here all day!)

My devotions were the only thing that got me through my day. And I started really yearning for God's Word. I wanted to hear from Him as much as I could. And He spoke to me. Can you believe the God that created this universe... the God that is all powerful, all knowing, all wonderful cares about us and wants to helps us through our day. Even helping me get through that last load of laundry, or that blow out diaper that happens when I am already running late. He wants to be there to teach me.

Where am I now? Like I said, I will post later on things that God is doing specifically in my life. But overall, I am where he wants me. I am safe in His arms. Trying to do my best to obey and let Him lead me. I know God knows we are imperfect. And that is wonderful because He is not expecting me to get it all right. He is expecting me to TRY. And that is what I am doing.

So to end this post, I would like to issue a warning. I feel an urgency. I think our lives are so short. And there is no time to worry about what others think. I have been holding back what God is showing me in fear of loosing friends, or being labeled crazy. You can call me crazy. But know that I love the Lord more then worrying about what others think. So no more hiding Julie. Here I am. And by God's grace, I am here to stay!